That’s 95, for those of you who have trouble with story problems.
The old man is 95 today. Which is difficult to wrap my head around. It’s like knowing the universe is infinite but never being able to fully grasp what that means. Last night he asked about one of my mom’s friends because he couldn’t remember how old she is. “She’s younger than me, isn’t she?”
To which I replied, “isn’t, literally, almost everyone younger than you?”
He laughed. Because it’s true. At present, 4.7% of the US population is over 90. A fact I gleaned from a very interesting article on the NIH website, which was surprisingly droll (I’m not sure intentionally) for a medical journal article about aging. My favorite: “It is an inescapable biological reality that once the engine of life switches on, the body inevitably sows the seeds of its own destruction.” Some people probably see that as depressing, but I think it’s hilarious.
The article spends a fair amount of time highlighting the unfortunate fact that longer life does not necessarily mean better life. Degenerative diseases and overall frailty can make the prospect of old age seem less than fun. And I’m pretty sure pops would agree. But, his ailments are relatively minor given his age – and his lifestyle; lots of time in the sun, heavy smoker for many years, still drinks more than his 2-per-day maximum (only wine, nowadays).
But he’s still independent, still keeps up with the news, still walks every day, still insists on climbing the stairs. I tried googling, “how many nonagenarians are still spry,” and most of what comes up emphasizes healthy eating and staying active which, despite his vices, my dad has always done. He gets annoyed when he can’t just go-go-go from sunup to sunset, and complains that he, “just can’t do anything anymore.” He acts as if every other 90-something out there is off climbing mountains and running marathons. I’d venture to guess that the fact that he is still climbing stairs is outside of the norm. But try telling anything to a nearly 100 year-old, crusty cowboy.
It is, however, that very cowboy crustiness that spawned some of our favorite “Cliffisms.” So in celebration of 95 trips around the sun…
The Cliffisms
“Stick a knife in it.” For any splinter, lesion, scrape or blister.
“Put a little mud on it.” After the knife sticking.
“Get the duct tape.” For just about anything.
“You wanna taste your own blood?” He never laid a hand on us, which is why this was always answered with the most dramatic eye rolls.
“You’re the ugliest you’ll ever be.” Just what every teenage girl needs to hear.
“Well done, Weldon.” We never have quite figured out where this one came from.
“Chicken? Don’t you have any meat??” Cowboy…
“That used to be 35 cents.” When anything cost more than 35 cents.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees. And if it did, I’d probably kill the damn tree.”
“Yoga? Christ…” (with eye roll). But then he drops a cookie – and heaven forbid anyone helps him pick it up – and proceeds to contort himself into something that looks very much like a modified windmill to get it.
“Well what if all your friends jumped off a cliff?” Pretty sure we all got that one.
“You’re making eggs? You’re talented. I can only cook mine.”
“Godddamnsonofabitch.” Multi-multi-functional. May as well be his catch phrase.
Also…
He will only eat 1/3 of a Klondike bar.
He will complain about the sugar content of a certain granola while eating it a handful at a time.
He has (had until we said enough is enough) check stubs from 1957.
He drinks Carlo Rossi. But it has to be the burgundy because that’s the “good one.”
His commute used to be across a sizable chunk of desert, so he often came home with various critters in varying states of demise, including a blind road runner called Bird. Bird eventually had to be sent to “the farm,” because he kept running into the wall. It was very Looney Tunes.
His house faces the regular inbound flight path for Sky Harbor airport, and he enjoys passing the time calling out to the pilots – the jumbo jet pilots – that they are “too high and better get their nose down.” This from the man who flew Cessnas.
He is one of a kind!
Happy Birthday Old Man!!
